Red Dream

I'm lying in bed. I notice that the light doesnt look right and get up. I'm in my room at my dads house, and my lamplight is coming from the middle of the ceiling, which reaches far above me. There are no walls connecting the rooms so I walk to the front door. Its already open, no door frame. I step outside and all I can see is blazing red and smoke. The boy who's life I saved is face down a hundred yards out. Hes screaming for help. That he cant breathe. That he cant move his legs. I try to run to him, but it takes me longer than it should. His body is like lead, and I can barely move him. Theres no one here to help me. I drag his body away, and turn him on his back. He's bleeding from his eyes, his corneas are red. From his mouth. From the open wound on his forehead where bits of his skull are exposed.

"You saved me." It says.
"Why couldn't you save the others?" It says.
I'm frantic.
"What others?"
He lifts a broken and mangled arm and points back to the blaze. My eyes adjust and I see more bodies laying near the fire, under the fire, in the fire.

All of my dead friends. All those who didnt make it through the roughest part of life, the teenage years. After I see them, I can hear them. Screaming for me. Asking me why. I try to run back, but the boy's arm stretches impossibly far, and grabs my ankle. I look back and he tells me I couldnt save them then, so I cant save them now. He wont let go. I'm so weak, and he is too strong. I fight and kick and yell and scream for them, but I cant get free.

I hear them screaming as the fire engulfs them. Leah goes first. I can feel that she still hates me. Hates me for doing this to her. Hates me for making her die. Then goes Red. He doesnt scream. He just looks at me. I can see the gunshot wound in his forehead. He's not saying anything but I can feel the betrayal in his eyes. Rami, with her wrists bloody, showing them to me like an offering. I kick free of the boy and run to her. She doesnt hold her hands out to me for help, she just shows me her bloody tendons and I see rage in her eyes, also bleeding. When I get near her, I start to wade through a puddle, and then drop into a watery hole. This is my grave, I hear. I struggle for a bit then wake up back in my room at my dads house, gasping for air.

Is it sleep apnea when you're drowning?

My heart is in my throat. I look at my computer and see a picture of her and start to calm down. I'm alive.

My hands are still shaking. I dont want to move in bed. Theres so much to do, but does it matter? I cant shake the mood that I will let the people I care about die. That I wont be able to do anything.

I hate it when i have these dreams. They cement the emotions into me for a while.

Another one of the various reasons I smoke marijuana. When i smoke, I seldom dream. But when i dream, its often of these.

[11:21:58 PM] jordan schick: hey
[11:22:00 PM] jordan schick: warhorse is out
[11:22:11 PM] jordan schick: lets watch it
[11:24:37 PM] Stephanie Weirich: FUCK YOU.  NO ONE WILL EVER MAKE ME WATCH WAR HORSE
[11:24:45 PM] jordan schick: yeah we'll see about that
[11:24:59 PM] Stephanie Weirich: I WILL LITERALLY MURDER YOU
[11:25:05 PM] Stephanie Weirich: WITH MY HANDS
[11:25:06 PM] jordan schick: I WILL FUCKING END YOU
[11:25:09 PM] jordan schick: AND IT WILL BE TO WARHORSE
[11:25:18 PM] Stephanie Weirich: I WILL BURN YOU!  I WILL BURN OUT YOUR HEART!
[11:26:25 PM] Stephanie Weirich: MARK MY WORDS.  Not even Benedict Cumberbatch can make me want to watch that.  It's about a horse.  A fucking HORSE.  I goddamn hate fucking horses
[11:26:48 PM] jordan schick: Then why are you reading Equus right now?
[11:27:18 PM] Stephanie Weirich: The trailer has a kid carrying around a drawing of the fucking horse, showing it to people like "Have you seen this horse?" and it's like Yeah kid, we've all seen that horse.  BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE EVERY HORSE YOU FUCKWIT.
[11:27:32 PM] jordan schick: But that one, was a WARhorse stephi.
[11:27:37 PM] Stephanie Weirich: NO
[11:28:02 PM] jordan schick: but
[11:28:09 PM] Stephanie Weirich: NO

Im sick. I actually left early today.

Which is something I hate doing. I feel bad. Like im disappointing people.

Collapsing under stress? Nicotine poisoning? Low blood sugar?

All I know is that I feel weak. And the only thing I want is my baby.

shes written over a thousand songs just for me.