You're not him, she said.
Then I heard the sound of a piece of glass falling into a shallow pool. I could actually hear the rest of my heart breaking.
Up until then it was just large pieces of it. Cracking and splintering, shards slowly falling away.
We've all been there, she said. We all lived through it.
Everyone's been through something similar. I doubt anyone has been through what I have had to endure. And for what?
A scarred heart and the inability to blink?
Everything that she says still echoes through my mind. I cant stop it. Its like someone yelled down an impossibly long hallway.
You dont smell like him. I gave up everything, including my smell, to come here and try to be with you. I did have a smell back in the states, back when I had a life that wasn't just off the plane with nothing but a duffel of clothes and a head full of hope. I left it behind with the rest of my life for a new beginning.
We gave it a try. You gave it 3 days. You felt obligated. I don't have a life here, and that was my downfall. I don't have a job or a furniture, or a smell. I'm not established. I've been doing everything that I can to be established. You said that you wanted to be friends, and I was ok with that. Anything with a sliver of hope to show that maybe one day we can be together. Because I would never abandon you. No matter what.
I let the daydreams get the best of me. Well, I didn't. There isn't a time when I don't do what I say I'm going to do. Being in Germany now, is proof of that. I follow through with everything I say I am going to. All the investment of time. All the planning. Everything we ever talked about. Proposing at Legend Comics, at an Opeth concert. Travelling around the world. I was even going to help pay for your ticket to the states. Going to Africa, or even to Florida so you can work with primates. Moving to Florida if Germany didn't work out for us. He wouldn't move to another country to be with you. I would follow you to the end of the world.
He said he wanted to have kids with me. So did I. We had a whole life planned out, I even have the ring. I've never thought about a future with anyone before.
I never said I wanted you to come out here for me. And I didn't. I came for me. I came when I did because of your pleas of 'You're not here soon enough.' And now you're face is branded on everything, everywhere. I cant go anywhere without seeing it. I cant see a couple and not think of the small time that I made you happy. Which inevitably leads to me seeing you with him, and how I cant make you happy anymore. My emotions fumble between rage and anxiety, longing and depression. I still come whenever you call, because of that sliver of hope. That since you still want to hang out with me, that you may want to be with me. After what I've been through to get here, to be with you, I think that maybe something inside of you still cares about me that way. I have hope, anyway.
Maybe I just wont talk to either of you. Maybe he'll break my heart again, and I'll be alone forever. I don't want you to be alone forever. I just don't want you to be with him. I want you to be happy. I want to make you happy. Somewhere inside me there is still a sliver of hope. I still love you, and I would take you into my arms in an instant.
I'm even checking GChat to see if she is online, to see if she will message me to see if I am ok. Checking facebook to see if she has commented on my status, or updated anything.
She's all I want. But I can never have her. I am not him. But I don't understand what has changed.
I honestly don't know what to do. The last time this happened was with Jesse. I didn't feel nearly as strongly for her as I do for Her. I didn't have a proposal plan, a ring or things planned out for the future. I didn't think about having kids, about raising a child with her. I didn't think of any of the things that I think of about with Her. I didn't think of a future with her, like I do Her.
Now whenever I close my eyes I see her with him. I see him comforting her, I see him kissing her. I see them happy. Even now, I know that she is with him. If not asleep in his bed then sitting at the table eating breakfast he made for her. Thinking of chances that I was never given, nor will be allowed to have.
And I miss her. So fucking much it hurts. I still love her. Unrequited, as it may be. Now I'm going to send the ring back through my roommate to my grandfather. I am going to carry this emotional and physical hurting of my heart, and try to make it day by day. To see if the sun can reach me still.
I still have hope. I cant abolish it from my mind. I still want to be with her more than anything. I still want to comfort her. I still want to help her be strong. Her telling me that the magic isnt there anymore is the hardest thing I have ever had to hear. To deal with. I've never been so emotionally invested in someone before. I dont even know if I'm part of the equation for her anymore, or if she still wants to see me to make sure that I'm ok. But I'm not, every time I see her I think of us. I think of being with her. I think of the time that she kissed me to see if there was magic, kissed me as a broken confused boy who didnt want to let there be magic, for her sake. Was I wrong?
The only time I ever said that someone was pretty or hot was to show her that I was trying to get over you. I never did. I'm still not. I worship her. In every way. I still think of the things that she said when we were being intimate, I still cant look at other women without comparing them to her, without wishing they were her.
Regardless of how she feels about me, of what I'm going through, I would never do anything to hurt her. To let harm come to her. I couldn't stand that. Our parts fit.
I still wear the necklace that she gave me, she said that it was her. So I keep it close to my heart. I still sleep with the wolf that she gave me, covered in her scent. I still tear up every time I have to say goodbye. Every time that she talks to him. Sometimes there is something to save me, like us taking separate trains. Thinking that this may be the last time I see her. I cant let go. I just don't know what to do. True love waits, and I'm trying my best to. I just wish and hope and pray with every ounce of my being that she feels the same way towards me some day. I still have hope. That we can break the cycle. That she doesn't have to feel this way anymore. That we can do this together.
