stream of consciousness

What a year.

 

Seriously, this is easily turning into the best year that I've lived.

 

In September I moved into my dads house in Fort Worth, Texas, to find out exactly what I wanted to do. Well, let me back up. Before that I worked at a dead end job. Well, it wasn't dead end, it was just snails pace. I had already rose up the ranks to a Manager, but I got tired of yelling at the redneck bottom barrel feeders of the world, and transferred to a more prestigious department. The bug in my ass was sated, but only for a short time. I came into Cavecreek Hosting as soon as they were consolidating their interest and datacenters.

 

But that was going to be a few months. So until then, I would have to drive between 2 DC's in Phoenix, and 1 in Scottsdale. It ate up a lot of gas, and the reimbursment was shit. Good thing it was a career job, so it paid well enough. My job was pretty easy for anyone who knew anything about computers. I did a lot of basic maintenence and repair. Customers who owned websites would want to keep their servers at one of our Data-Centers. Or they would want us to build servers for them. So that was my basic job. Crawl around in the top of the center, make and lay data cables, and make sure the servers werent fucking up. Glorious, right? Yeah. I sat in a cold-ass office room [because the servers needed to be kept cool, so it was usually 40-50 degrees] and started at a screen that had all the servers and displayed the health of each of them. I would console into the server, depending on what the issue is, clean it up or fix it up. I did maintenance for over 100,00 servers over several locations. If you've ever paid for porn, than chances are I fixed your site while it was down. I did that, and various other computer monkey bitch work, for about a year. And even though it may not sound stressful, it was. Very much so. I had an ulcer, and was constantly having to race around the valley.

 

I felt important, though. Mostly because of the security. In the Scottsdale Data-Center, I was required to have 3 seperate badges as well as an Iris scan to get into the Cage [where the servers are kept]. I had a corner office, with a beautiful view of the mountains and military training exercises. For each of the DC's I had a few badges, and had to check in every day.

 

Anyway, we were taking on more clients, and everyone was pissed that we had to drive halfway across the state every day to do our workload. So they decided to invest into an entirely new Data-Center. This would hold the Consumer Support [where I was previously a manager and a CSR] as well as Client Support, so all of CCBill, LLC, as well as Cavecreek Hosting, the subsidiary of CWIE that I was currently employed for. And We got to build it! Fucking yay!

 

So I helped move over all the cabinets, then all the servers, then set up all the servers, then create new servers and install those as well. Cavecreek was in the building months before anyone else was, even corporate. It was us, building maintenence and the armed guards.

 

Yeah, they hired only ex-cops and ex-military to be the guards. Most of them were cool, once they realized that you actually worked there. Most computer techs fall into 2 catagories; the uptight bespectacled nerd, or the greasy dropout genius. I was in the latter catagory. So it took the drill sargent guards a while to get used to me. Its pretty exhilerating walking into a gigantic glass building, having to be escorted by armed guards to a hand scan checkpoint, then through a security scanner, then use a bunch of keycards and get buzzed into a room that looks exactly like the hacker shit from the movies. And thats what it felt like. Its what I always wanted to do. Like Boris from Goldeneye or the Virus from Hackers. I worked mostly in a small room called the fishbowl. There were two raised counter desks that face a gigantic window that looked out into the hallway, where the Executives would come by and observe us. There were also 8 50" plasma screen TV's. 6 of them displayed the server information, and the other 2 showed the weather channel, for some reason. I always though we should put a fancy screensaver on them to keep up the illusion of how intense our job is.

 

After about a year of this, our boss, Tony Evans, died of cancer. He had been going through treatment for it for the last few years, and it was one of the rare occasions where the doctors had no idea what it was. His boyfriend posted on his facebook the day he passed, and that was quite a shock. He was a great guy, always really nice, nerdy as hell with a great sense of humor. We weren't too close, but I still think of him every now and then. And then i remember that once when I was working at one of the Phoenix centers I found a dead bum outside. Kind of tarnishes his memory but I like the deaths together because of the Data Centers.

 

Anyway, after a year of working there, and polishing my resume, I decided that I hated my life, and my job was a big part of it. I had no free time, and it was very very stressful. So I transferred back to CCBill, as I heard they had open supervisor shifts open on graveyards, so I figured I would be a shoe in with my previous experience of being a Graveyard Supervisor. But, no. They stuck me back on the Level 1 track, and I had to fight my way up. By the time the supervisor position was offered, I didnt want it. My attendance had faltered as well, because I still hated my life. I would lie in bed, all day, not being able to sleep, because I was afraid to go to work. So After about a week of calling out, I told my friend and supervisor, Tanner, that I am not coming in anymore. Then about a week later, I swallowed my pride, and did the hardest thing I've ever had to do; I asked my dad if I could move in with him. It was a smart move, but I dont like mooching off of family members. But it was better than being homeless again, as my present roommates at the time were getting married, and decided to kick everyone out 4 months early.

 

I weighed my options, and decided moving to Texas was in my best interest. I wouldnt have to pay any bills, and I could save money and figure out what I wanted to do. And my two best friends lived in Austin, which was only a 4 hour drive away from my Dads. I had previously entertained thoughts with my friend Michelle about moving to Germany, as well as Austin, Omaha and [ew] California. My dad had already found me a job working with him as a maintenence coordinator, so that was taken care of. I was thinking alot about Germany, as I used to be about 80% fluent in high school, had family and friends there, and had wanderlust from previously going to Italy/Switzerland/Vatican City. Thats when I met Bree.

 

Michelle was our mutual friend, and we both were in a facebook group called Music Mondays, where a bunch of people would post music, mostly, on mondays. She had great taste in music, and was stunning. One day, she sent me a friend request, and my heart skipped a beat when I saw it. She was beautiful, and as I found out by stalking her FB profile, quite a gigantic nerd. We talked about comics and metal music and i felt something I hadn't felt in a long time, if ever. Its like we already knew each other. But she was so far away, she was an object of fantasy. She likes videogames, star wars, comic books, adventures, reading, and she was so energetic. But she's halfway across the world. So it just didnt seem feasible. So I left it at that.

 

But then we never quite stopped talking. I still remember the first time she called me on the phone, I was really angry about a situation that she was in, and she sang a star wars medley to me in the tune of Peter Gabriel's Salisbury Hill. I remember her saying she would call me, and how nervous I was, wondering how her voice would sound. Then we talked about comics, and started writing emails to each other. We gave up nearly every detail of each others life, and we havent stopped talking since. So, it was pretty obvious, I was going to Germany.

 

Then at the beginning of January, something else extraordinary happened. I was talking to Bree on my break, and telling her goodnight, when i started to walk inside. As I was, I heard the squealing of tires, and burning rubber, then the sound of a collision. I looked to where I thought it came from, and saw a blue car flipping through the air, throwing the driver out and forcefully into the ground before the car landed on top of him. I couldn't believe it. Without even thinking I ran over to the car, and tried to pull the driver out, who was stuck underneath it. The car was on fire, and we needed to move him before it got to the gas tank, or something terrible on a whole new level would have happened. I managed to move him from the wreckage, but he was so heavy that I couldn't move him very far at all. There was a crowd of people standing around us, just watching. Apparently a few girls called 911, so that was taken care of. Then an elderly mexican gentleman ran over to me and grabbed the kids arm, and we both were able to move him out of the way to safety. He was screaming, and I can still see him covered in blood. Screaming about how he cant see or how he cant move his legs. My chest hurt so bad after that, I hadnt run that fast or hard or exhausted myself like that in a very long time. I gave my statement to the police, and tried to avoid giving my personal information to them, because I didnt want the boy or his family to contact me afterwards. I just didnt think I could take that. I walked back to my job, and sat down. I was pale as a ghost, covered in someone elses blood. It took a few minutes for me to get all the burned plastic and gasoline out of my lungs, and wash the blood off my hands. My dad made me go back to the ambulance to make sure that I was ok, but I kept telling them that I didn't need to go to the hospital. That I was fine. I was mostly scared because I knew that my insurance didnt go through, and I didnt want to have to delay my trip to Germany more than I needed. It turns out that some high school kid was racing down the frontage road, and hit the corner of a curb at just the right angle to get violently thrown through the air, action movie style. 

 

They let me go home early that day. The next day, everyone called me a hero at the office, and even our contractors were calling me letting me know how great of a thing I did. It made me feel very uncomfortable. I kept saying it wasn't the act of heroism, it was an act of humanity. I kept thinking of the line from PJ's remake of King Kong 'I got news for you, buddy, heroes dont look like me. They have bad teeth, balding and a beer gut.'

I called Bree and let her know what happened afterwards. And she stayed up to talk to me on Skype when I got home. I was pretty wrecked. I didn't understand why I was the only one, besides the old mexican man, who were helping the kid. Why everyone was just standing around taking pictures or video. It unnerved me. I needed to know that someone loved me. She had told me before, but asked that I not say it too much, as I had got into the habit of saying it every day. It was something new and fresh to me, something I couldnt remember feeling before, and it made me feel warm inside. So I respected her wishes, but I needed to hear it today. I was on the verge of tears trying to cope with how shitty humanity is, about how if something like that happened to me, that no one would be there to save me. So I asked her to tell me that she loved me. And she did. And it really made me feel much, much better. I didn't feel alone. And I never do with her. That feeling of being out of place was completely removed when i was with her. She gets me, and I get her, and on so many levels. There was always something to talk about, some new nugget of knowledge for us to share.

 

I've never met anyone like her. Shes smart, she reads, she likes videogames, shes easily the most interesting woman I've ever met, and, boy, she is also the most beautiful. A lot has happened since then. I flew her out to meet me, so we could spend time together, and see if we had a physical dynamic. And we did, by the way. When we kissed its like the stars were exploding through us, there was an electricity, a chemistry that I had never felt before. So I started to save up to move there. Investigating exactly what was needed to do so. There was a bump in the road, though. I'm fiercly invested/addicted to videogames [im hoping to get mine made one day], and with November being the biggest time for videogames in the last 5 years, I had to indulge. Just a little bit. Which set me back. I could have should have pirated them, then I could have been out there for her birthday. Or for Valentines day. Or Fasching. But, everything happens for a reason. I know I say the universe is indifferent, but I just dont speak its language. Its like this time, the time that I'm going out there, is the best possible time that I could go out there. Everything had been falling into place. I got my passport in a week, I found a place to live, I found a plane ticket for 800$ less than what I thought it was going to cost; learned that I didnt need to re-register my truck [although now I'm driving around worried I'm going to get arrested because the registration is expired] and found someone to buy it from me for a damn good price. The only thing I dont have lined up is a job. But people have been recommending places to get a job for me, as well constantly telling me that I wont have a problem finding one. I have 2 months to find a job before I cant live comfortable, and 3 months to find one before I get deported back to the states. But I'm not worried, really.

 

I put in my notice that I was leaving work on Monday. Everyone in the office knew, and they were sad and happy to see me go. I've had most everyone come up to me at some point and say 'It sucks, man. You actually do your job AND I actually like you as a person. But I'm so excited for you to go over there, to be with Bree. You guys look so happy together and you talk about her non-stop.' Of course not EVERYONE said that exactly, but it was all varying degrees of the same sentiment. I like you, and I'm happy you're following your dream. Go get her, tiger. My boss begged me to stay an extra week, at least. He said I would be able to cash out on my accrued vacation time, and that leaving on a friendly status would mean I'm ineligible for rehire. I told him that it wasn't actually worth it to delay my trip for a week for a measly extra 16 hours. And that with my resume, it wouldnt be hard for me to find a job, if for some reason I did have to move back. He said that he really liked me, and that they had plans for me in the future. I was next in line for a promotion, that I was going to be get the subaccounts of our lesser contractors, to ease me up on getting to Team Lead status. A career promotion. A salaryman. But, to be honest, even if I wasnt going, I wouldnt of taken the promotion. Besides the money, it sucks. My dad hates it, as do most of the Team Leads. They have no free time, because they live and breathe for the company, and thats not something I've ever been about. I live and breathe for me. To help people be happy. For her.

 

After I told him I wasn't going to stay, he then talked to me on a personal level. He said that he had lived oversea's for 10 years, and that it was a vastly rewarding experience, and that he was glad I had the balls to follow through with it. Which I thought was really nice. I always just showed up to work, and did my job. Tried to make people around me smile, and apparently, I ended up affecting a lot of them. I told everyone I was going to take pictures on Friday, and all the ladies said they would dress nice and wear make up for me, haha.

 

Theres only a few things I have left to do. I need to throw out a lot of my shit, and let my dad know what boxes I am going to be keeping with him. I need to wash all of my laundry, find my Target giftcard and get new socks, underwear, and basics to take with me. Im going to ship over a box of clothes, a box of computer parts and small personal effects, and my computer. And take clothes and my gadgets with me on the flight. Other than that, I'm starting off completely new and fresh. I'll send everything out this Saturday, so it will be there in about 2 weeks or so. I have to transfer money to Gnam's Paypal account, so I can pay for the deposit and for rent for March, and then say goodbye to everyone.

 

My cousin Lucas had open heart surgery a few days ago, so I'm going to see them before I leave, and my grandfather. We have family in Germany, in Wolfsburg, that he has met a few times, so I'm going to get their information from him. Once I'm settled in, and am ok with speaking german a bit better, I'll go see how the original family is. Which I think would be nice. I'm prepared for the culture shock, but i'm more jaded than most about living in the consumerist empire of america. So it wont be too bad.

 

My mom and dad are worried about me, but, I told them I have pretty much everything taken care of. I'm moving there for myself. I had already planned on coming to Germany, Bree is just the icing on the cake, or the sugar in it. I mean, I have a place to stay, I will be getting a phone, my place is going to have internet and there are civilian job fairs on the base every few weeks. And with my skill sets and resume, I dont think I'll have a problem finding a job. Even if its just mopping up vomit or day care, as long as it lets me stay there.

 

Living the dream. And everyones been so supportive. All of my friends, people at work, and my family. Which makes me happy. I've pretty much been on my own until I moved to Texas, which is no ones fault, I can be fiercly independant a lot of the time. Living in the suspended twilight of the graveyard shift pretty much forced this upon me. But I cut down on fast food, and drinking soda [i havent done to well in the last week though. Ive been stressed and excited so I was binging. As you can tell by my acne] and I'm earnestly going to quit smoking once I'm over there. It's easier with other people. Bree's immune system is bad already, and smoking just makes it worse. I feel like anything I can do to extend our time together would be completely worth it. And of course my own health issues, caused by smoking. But we're going to start working out more, Bree has some yoga that we're going to do, and, I'll be in fucking Europe. Where the history comes from. A train ride from everywhere. I'm not going to move there and do nothing but stay inside, fuck that. That would defeat the purpose. I'll be planning and going on trips nearly every month as soon as I get a job. I'll travel all over this bitch, as far and wide as I can. As long as I have something to write with, a camera to take pictures, and a companion to keep me company in my TARDIS, I'll never stop.

 

One of the friends I've made over there, is actually fast becoming one of my best friends. His name is Thommi, and I actually trust him. Which it is very hard for me to trust people. Hell, I can count the people I trust on one hand. And I wouldnt even use all my fingers. He told me that his brothers are programmers, and that they might be interested in my videogame. So I have that to look forward too as well. And since I've been talking to Bree, I've been writing and reading a lot more. I'm out of my slump. Im ready to let the sun beat down on my face, excited for it, even.

 

I'll miss my friends, Chad and Stephi, and my parents, and I already miss all my friends in Arizona; but I'm hoping that me being so far away will entice some of them to shed their apathetic pelts and actually try to do something about it, like come see me.

 

And, shit. Its not even March yet. This will be the year to live. Fuck the chinese, this isnt the year of the dragon, its the year of the wolf. Or the Dragonwolf. Or the Wolf-Dragon.

 

Yes.