Her

I've written before about the woman with black hair in my recurring dreams.

The dreams that always make my day melancholic. When I wake up, the feelings from the dream are cemented in me for a few hours. Usually turns my day to shit.

I can't remember most of the dreams, just small flashes.

Small bits. Never her face. An occasional part of a smile. Her hair. Her smell. Her touch. The cold scars of her kisses.

Well. I think I may have found her.

I would also like to note, that once in a while, I have precognitive dreams. It happens a few times a year. Its nothing amazing or spectacular, I'm certainly not going to be stopping any terrorists plots. But I wake up, write down what I remember, then a few months or years later, what i wrote down happens. The most prominent one I can remember is a dream I  had in 3rd grade. I was drawing a picture of Guyver. And it was awesome. It was way beyond me. And I also drew a picture of Earth, with a giant set of jaws on it. I found out that they were drawings from 5th grade. I was obsessing over Guyver, constantly drawing Sho Fukumachi and the first Guyver unit. And I got damn good at it. The other picture was my fan submission for a poster for 'Godzilla vs Spacegodzilla'. I still think it was a dope drawing. Should have won, that's for sure. Way cooler than the other ones. Except for the official painting one

Anyway, this happens to me a lot. Oneirology was always fascinating to me as well. These experiences made me realize, and believe, that time is relative. It is a giant pool with no direction. Events all happen simultaneously. [this type of thinking has gotten me through nearly every bad situation, ever. Remember. In the end, everything is going to be alright. If it isn't alright, it isn't the end.] Even though I don't believe time is a line which means I believe that the end is the beginning and the middle and the back and the front.

Well. This girl i met, lives in Germany. We have been talking non-stop since September. About pretty much everything and anything in between. I always had a crush on her. She was like the far away object of my desire. And then one day, we started talking. We had the same taste in music, and that opened up a world of conversation. Hell, we're still having music conversations to this day.

Anyway. After a while, things started to get pretty deep. And I don't think it was intentional. It started with flirting and dirty conversations. The type of things most girls don't say unless they're into you. Then again, my expertise with women decayed since Jesse. So I took these things as signs of interest, and I pressed. She told me to back off. And i did. For a few days. Then, like a moron, I started on it again. I've never met a girl like her before, and I'll be honest, what she wanted confused me. I don't feel bad because it confused her, too. There's a lot of drama involving an Ex and a bit of malpractice.

I wanted to show her how much she meant to me. I wanted to show her the amazing and beautiful woman that I had been talking to. So, she mentioned about coming out and visiting me on her winter break. I pulled some strings, got her a ticket and had her in my arms for a full 4 days.

Waiting for her at the airport was so stressful. I kept thinking she would walk out of the arrival gate, see me, and then turn right back around. But she didnt! She came out, we hugged akwardly, and went back to my dads house.

We spent the next 4 days together. That's when it all hit me. The way she feels. Small glimpses of her smile or her hair. She was as close to the lady in my dreams as I had ever seen. And the attached emotions were there, as well. I was waking up and saw her smiling, but just the bottom part of her face, and i felt a shiver and remembered the dream. Then I fell, hard. After the last day together, I knew that I loved her. It wasn't a boast. I honestly felt love. When I kissed her, It was electric. I had never felt anything like this before. When she looks at me, I cant help but smile. When she makes jokes or silly faces I start to grin like a big dumb idiot.

And our conversations, they're endless. There's nothing that we cant or haven't talked about. I've honestly never had a connection with someone like this. I know my interests are weird, but I've never met someone that I could easily talk about black metal, then kung fu or anime, then indie rock or horror movies. Not anyone who was ever worth a damn in conversation, though. And she is. She's constantly showing me new things. Which is huge. And her Mixtapeology, is amazing. Id marry this girl based on how she makes a mix tape. We've even had really nerdy conversations about the nerdiest proposals, and how awesome they are. I'm still trying to think of one to top her ideas. But they're pretty awesome, so its hard. I just wish she had an easier time thinking of the positives instead of the negatives.

My favorite day with her, was Saturday. That's the exact time that I knew that my feelings weren't fucking with me. That I could stand on my own two legs and scream my feelings to the world. I woke up, we went to Wal-Mart to get an Xmas tree, and I got her a star wars shirt. She bought some poinsettia's for my step mom and dad as a thank you. After that I took her to a comic shop. Unfortunately, I left my wallet at home, so I couldn't buy her the Xmas presents I really wanted to. But luckily I had enough money to get her the first 3 volumes of preacher, the first chronicles of wormwood TPB, and a stuffed baby godzilla.

That last one was really important.

When you find something that you think is amazing, and someone else thinks its just as great, its an amazing feeling.

After this, we went back to my dads and hung out for a bit until it was time to go to her friend Shawn's bachelor party. We met at a bar, and hung out for an hour or two, talking about videogames and anime. It was pretty awesome. Then we went to korean bbq and karaoke where I got to watch her sing. On the drive home we listened to 'Return of the Mack' about 15 times. I still laugh whenever I hear him say 'Oh mah ghawd' or 'Wants mah pearl'. And it makes me think of her.

That entire day was amazing. She held my hand whenever we went somewhere, or when we were driving. She hung on my arm. Occasional kiss. Just thinking of it now is making the blood rush to my face. And this isn't really a confession of love. I don't have enough time to write that, even though I have all night. Its more of just a recount of everything that's happened.

I'm in love.
There's no doubt about that.

I want to make her happy. I want her to succeed in her dreams. I want to be there for her.

And, again. There's always the same issue when i write to her or about her, that words, no, language, isn't enough to describe how i feel. Only pure emotion could. Language doesn't do it justice.