So, this year has been something else.

Something else entirely.

My spiral of self-destruction was at its pinnacle this year. Kind of. I didnt do anything very destructive, it was all passive.

Smoking. Drinking. A lot. Sleeping. Getting in fights.

My mind has blocked a lot of it out. My mind blocks out a lot of memories. And its not something that I did. Or do, on purpose. And its not the drugs and drinking. It was a deep need to just live life. Day by day. The protocol for my mind reset to a day by day basis.

Wake up - Work - Home - Sleep - Repeat

And I did this for over a year. Well into 2010. I took the job at the Bill in July of 2010, and thats when it started. Before that I was just throwing up blood and not sleeping, merely falling unconscious. Thats the main reason for my stress. And it carried with me, albeit not as much, when i went back to CCBill.

But this grew tiring once I was able to understand what it was that I was doing. I knew that I wasn't happy. I knew I wasn't happy for a variet of reasons, but the biggest was how unsatisfied I was with my job. It even stunted my writing.  So I had to change it.

In February, my computer thoroughly fucked itself up. It did something it shouldn't, and fried half my hard drives, my PSU, and my backups. So I lost the last 10 years of pictures, and writing. Pictures that I'll never be able to get back, writing I'll never be able to get back. I have a stack of maybe 20 notebooks that I've been writing in since 7th grade. Nearly every single story, poem, song and drawing was in them. My entire life was backed up on 2 of those hard drives. Eluria, the bitch, ate them. Tried to kill herself. I wouldnt let her. I performed diagnostics on them, froze them, did whatever I could to try and get the information off of them, but, my attempts were in vain.

Luckily, I got a fat tax return just after that. So I was able to rebuild her agian. I need to change her name. Eluria was my computer for over 10 years, and now i dont think she has any of her original parts left. And Eluria is the name of vampire nuns.. So probably not the best choice. Especially since she did take quite a bit of my blood..

I dont remember March-July. I should go through my past updates in here and on FB and see if I can figure out what.

And winter was terrible. I had no heater, and a 2 inch gap under the floor. And a bed that was desecrated by animals. So I would have to try and sleep through 20 degree weather. Reminded me of being homeless. So, after all the anxiety attacks and not going into the bill, i decided I needed a change for the better, and opted to stay with my dad for a season until I could get back on my feet instead of staying on a friends couch. I figured that would be better.

Because being homeless sucks. So fuck that.

So moving to Texas was a good change. I cut back on smoking, spending money [and have actually been SAVING money] and working out. Stopped rinking soda, too. Been losing weight. Liking myself.

I still keep everything in boxes, and I only use one of the dresser drawers for my socks. Didn't put up any posters. Most of the time I feel like a traveller, but this time I'm embracing it. I'm making it my own. I know that I wont be here forever, and I'm not counting on it. Im counting on being out of there by spring.

Where to? Nobody knows.

I do have an idea, though. :)